i am kajira, though currently not exactly owned. i am in the training stages, and as i learn i am also teaching a friend. i like to try and change the world one person at a time. i like to enlighten people, and myself, to new experiences. i try to keep a positive outlook on things, because it can be too depressing the other way around. i do not currently blog here much due to a situation that needs to be kept extremely private…sorta. you can email me any questions and i will answer them, when i get a chance to check my email. i will write more later.

asta

Well its been almost a month since i talked to Master.  Everytime i see Him in sl i don’t get a response.  i have thought about texting Him or nou but figured if He wanted to talk to me, He would contact me.  I would have thought if He wanted nothing to do with me that He would have released both my avi’s from His ownership in sl, and talked to me to at least let me know…

I am saddened by the lack of communication, but will have to move on.  i looked at His profile in sl and saw how clear it was that He had no desire to own me as He whiped His profile clean, minus a pick of nou and ve…seeing that and lack of any communication has made me realize that He does not wish any type of ownership over me.  Because of this, this will be my last blog till further notice, as this blog was only set up for Him.

I do miss Him and will continue to do so, but do also need to move on.  I hope He is happy with whatever He is doing.

I love You, Master

kalli

I don’t really know where to start, aside from the fact that i just don’t like trying to formulate how i am feeling into words.  The other day one of Master’s slaves hurt Him, again…running away.  i admit that yes, i did leave Him. and yes, i am back.  and one of my avi’s did run from Him on sl, instead of asking for proper release.  All of that i do feel bad for, but i especially feel bad that others keep hurting Him and there is nothing i can do.  i was there when eve left and saw how she broke his heart.  i was there while ve continuously ran from him, and watched him take her back time and time again.  it is hard to watch someone hurting and know that you can’t do anything, but be a shoulder when they need one.

Back to the reason for this blog now.  The other day one of Master’s slaves ran.  didn’t ask for release, and to my knowledge, didn’t offer Him an explanation, just that she was leaving.  That again hurt Master.  and i understand His hurt, but this time is different.  After that happened He said that He was going to delete that account cause He was tired of slaves hurting him…and didn’t know if He wanted any slaves on sl anymore.  i can understand to an extent, because i don’t care for most of the slaves in sl.  they are usually there just to get there kicks, and not really act as a slave.   i have seen so many sl slaves that act in ways i can never immagine without getting the beating of a lifetime…from Him and from my RL Master.  my RL Master has always told me that i must be who i am, a mere slave, online and offline.  and most of the time i succeed to an extent, though i am the first to admit that i do need work. But at least i admit that i do need training and have taken measures to secure the training.

Master deleting that avi in sl has me confused.   A confusion that i have been trying to make sense of for couple days now.  Without Him being in sl, or wanting slaves in sl, i am not sure if He will want to continue training me for my RL Master either.  i am truly afraid that i will lose Him.  i have been too afraid to ask Him what will happen…All i know is that he may not be on sl after the 30th.

Master had also told me to take the FG in training off my profile.  That if He sticks around on second life that He will be giving the title to nou, as she is the only one that has never left.  I agree that she does deserve it, but not just for that reason.  she also deserves it because she has been there the longest.  she had come to Master a week or two, i think, before i did.

Normally when i am too afraid to ask Him something…i won’t dare blog about it.  i had made the crucial mistake once of being afraid to speak to Him about my feeling and blogging to get His attention.  Since then, i have been rather careful and guarded what i put in words, knowing that i may very well be punished for what is in my blog.  The only reason i am doing this blog now is cause i was made to.  i don’t like sharing my feelings.  i guess i am always afraid of how they will sound when i put them into words, whether speaking or typing.  i am afraid that they will sound like i am just being selfish or bratty.  i also grew up in a way that i did not ever discuss how i was feeling.

i know that slaves own nothing, not even there thoughts or feelings, but there are some things that i usually try to keep to myself.   i guess it’s because i have been hurt so many times in the past that i try to keep it from happening.

well now that i have gone into rambling cause my mind is not all there, going to end this now.

This one is slave to a RL Master but also training through another Master that she knows.  she had been with Him before but left and for reasons she doesn’t feel the need to mention.  now this one has “come to her senses” and begged Master’s collar back in second life and to help her progress and become the slave that she desires to be…to be a kajira and not just the everyday slave.

this one is happy to be back with Him but nervous at the same time.    she knows that she has regressed since leaving Master so it may be a bumpy ride at first, but she is going to try and be on her best behavior.  her best behavior has been better lately and she will explain why in a few, but she still has alot of work to do to get her slave attitude back.

A couple months ago the computer that this one used, that her Master allowed her to use fried.  Ever since she got a computer she has always used it to escape her mind in a sense…to deal with her problems without really dealing with them…to basically keep her temper under control.  Amazing how you don’t realize that until after you lose the one thing that helps you control yourself to the best of your ability.   this one went to her psychiatrist and explained that she was having mood issues.  At the end of last year she had had similar mood issues on account of basically being shut out from the world, but we finally got internet in the motel we live in and kalli’s moods started to get better.  When she first seeked psychiatric treatment it was after she obtained the internet last time, but had still had alot of depression.  With the depression came manic episodes…at the time, the doctor accounted it for my depression and kept me on an anti-depressant.  When this one talked to the doctor after her computer died he changed his diagnosis, because apparently this one has a bit of a temper.  She always knew it, but now without being able to get on the computer near as often it was getting harder and harder to control.  this one would hold it in until she exploded…unfortunately her explosion would usually be on her Master since He is the one she sees day in and day out.  Well the doctor has me on a new med, saying he thinks i may be bi-polar and it seems to help.  this one has not had the knot in her stomach so much since he changed her medication and boosted it up.  she is hoping it stays that way.

With being extremely depressed and her moods the way they were, she has let a whole lot of things go that she shouldn’t.  Being slave usually means that she still needs to do what has to be done even if she doesn’t want to do it.  her Master has allowed it to a certain extent because He has been overly depressed as well.  this one has always said that even though it shouldn’t affect me, her Master’s mood usually affects mine.  this one is trying to correct that so that my mood is that of a slave more often then not.  To me, it seems unrealistic to say that my mood will ALWAYS be that of a slave, but should be most of the time.  When i had come back to the Master on second life, my Master and i had discussed it.  He said as long as i am fine with it then He was…When i had asked release the last time, i had been in tears alot and it was hard on my Master and me.  This one feels she has the heart of a slave, but also feels that she will never make a proper slave.  she does get upset with that, tries not to think of that, but can’t help it either.  she desperately wants to be a proper kajira…but thinks that she will never make one…and that can be quite upsetting also.

Now to correct the way things have gotten she has alot of work ahead of her.  Starting with properly doing her chores.  One would think it would be no problem keeping a tiny motel room with a bathroom clean…you would think the smaller the easier.  The problem is the smaller the harder in my book.  There is no room to put things so i have been actively looking for ways to increase our storage space in this tiny room.  The other problem is the number of animals we have here makes it hard to keep up.  We have 6 cats and 1 puppy.  All of our cats are strictly indoor so that means cat litter as well as cat food and their water.  Then the puppy has to constantly be taken out to potty and go for walk, fed and watered as well…it has been said in the past that i always take on more then i should.  this one thinks that statement holds true currently.  The puppy is only 9 weeks old so she tries to chew on everything including my Master and me.  We are trying to break her of that currently.  The long term goal with her is to get her trained as a service animal since my Master and i have chronic back pain…and you never know what may happen in the future.

I have gotten hold of some crates to be able to put the canned food in so it’s not all over the floor.  Now i am working on getting some crates together for the dishes.  but try to make it so the cats cant get on top of the top crate with dishes in it so their hair does not get all over the dishes.  Amazing how much cat hair can accumulate in a small place with this many cats.  i have to clean the filter for the air conditioner daily otherwise it gets too hot in here.  i am now trying to get the owner of this complex to put a sofabed in our room so we actually have room to move.  It would be easier to clean the place if i had room to move around to do so.  Depending on my Master sometimes i don’t do what needs to be done because i don’t want to feel like i am constantly in His way.  When my computer died i did talk my Master into moving His computer to the desk and moved the desk over against the wall so i didn’t have to constantly ask for passage to go from the door to the bathroom or anywhere in between.

Well enough rambling for now.

kalli